The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
