But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
