my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
