win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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