Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
