we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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