Dude my mom stole all your condoms
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm passing your future prison.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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