Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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