Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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