My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
