Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
