So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
