I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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