my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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