im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
