Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
