I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
