FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
