I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
