I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize