Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
