If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
