my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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