Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
