I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
