cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize