I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
