Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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