Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
