my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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