I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
