you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
