Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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