I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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