i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
