We're like a lot better than the average bears
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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