the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
