I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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