I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
