Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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