she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Randomize
