All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize