Will you blow on my dice?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
