please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
