The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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