dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
