My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
