You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
