I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
