Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
