How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize