OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
