found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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