I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
