Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
