Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
