Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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