I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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