Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
