i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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