the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
